7 Secrets of Happy Couples

7 Secrets of Happy Couples
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why do some couples stay happy together for a lifetime, while others are in conflict almost from the beginning?

Part of the answer is compatibility - making the initial choice of a partner with whom you share common values. Equally much, however, depends upon the choices each partner chooses to make during the relationship. Here are seven choices made by happy couples:

1. Trust: Suspicion and jealousy are the death knell of any relationship. If the other is going to cheat or otherwise dishonor the relationship, suspicion and jealousy will not prevent it, and such a relationship is fatally flawed in any case. Unwarranted suspicion and jealousy create misery in a surprising number of relationships. If you want to live happily, trust your partner completely. If they dishonor your trust, deal with the situation then. In the meanwhile, you will have been happy.

2. Open Communication: Tell the truth, tell the whole truth. If you didn't want to share your whole life with your partner, why are you together? If you make a mistake, admit it. If you have doubts, talk about them. Secrets and lies kill a relationship. With truth and openness anything is possible. Even if something is unforgivable, it is better to deal with it quickly.

3. Honoring the other's point-of-view: People disagree, couples disagree. Understanding that the two partners in a couple remain individuals is crucial to a happy relationship. Why would you expect that you and your partner should agree on everything? Honor that one of you is a Republican and the other a Democrat. Honor that one of you is a vegetarian and the other loves a great steak.

4. Self-Confidence: Co-dependence is another frequent cause of failed relationships. Happy couples know that they don't need each other. Each partner is a completely whole and valid individual who has entered into a voluntary partnership. Neither "owns" the other, nor "can't live without" the other. Each has their own interests and friends, as well as having mutual interests and friends.

5. Generosity: Greed and selfishness kill relationships. True love is generous in spirit. Mostly, generosity is not about material things, although that is also important. To have a happy relationship, be generous of your time, your love, and your attention.

6. Forgiveness: Resentments and thoughts of revenge and vengeance have no place in a happy relationship. Happy couples forgive each other completely for everything the other has ever done or failed to do - no exceptions.

7. Gratitude: Happy couples are continuously grateful for each other. Every day there are a myriad of reasons to be grateful for your partner. Find those reasons each day, and thank your partner every day.

Mary Anne Radmacher: Old Beginnings versus NEW beginnings

Old Beginnings versus NEW beginnings….

I was relating the details of a conflict to my coach. In my mind it was fresh to a life long issue. It was new information and I was pleased with my approach. My coach asked, “Why have you done the same thing you have always done in this circumstance?”

I told her I didn’t understand the question. She offered the candid observation, “I know you think you’ve made a new beginning. But really all you’ve done is used different words with the same approach you’ve always used. Really! You need to reach for a NEW beginning … not the same old beginning you’ve always used.”

The irony has remained with me. Hmmmm. A beginning that’s actually OLD. The phrase “new beginnings” at first seems redundant. It’s actually a profound challenge.

Have your new year’s resolutions been a new beginning for you or have they, like my approach to an old conflict, just been different words on the same old beginning? Maybe now’s the time to establish a new pattern of viewing your life fresh for 2009.

- Mary Anne Radmacher

Is Your Relationship In Danger? Take This 10 Question Quiz To Find Out

Is Your Relationship In Danger? Take This 10 Question Quiz To Find Out
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You have the occasional argument. Sometimes you feel frustrated, and you have that uneasy sense that everything is not as it should be. Is your relationship in trouble? The answer may not be obvious. Take this quiz to measure the overall state of your relationship and highlight the trouble spots.

1. When you have an argument, is it about a specific issue, or is it about your partner's character? A specific issue would be, "You forgot to take out the garbage last night," while "you never remember anything," is a generalized character assassination.

2. Do you have more conflict or less conflict when the two of you get time alone together? Do a "date night" or a few days away renew your relationship, or create more stress?

3. Is there physical violence in your relationship? Have you come close to physical violence? Are there threats of physical violence?

4. How often does the thought that you would rather be with someone else pass through your mind?

5. Take one minute to write a list of what you like and what you dislike about your partner. How many "likes" and how many "dislikes" are on your list?

6. Do you seriously question your partner's faithfulness?

7. Do you have arguments about sex?

8. In times of emergency or grief - such as when a relative becomes ill or dies, do you and your partner pull together?

9. If you could turn the clock back to the day you first met your partner, would you choose a different direction for your life?

10. If you won the lottery, would you be overjoyed to share the blessing with your partner, or would you wish it were all yours?

Physical violence or threats are the biggest danger signs for your relationship and for your personal safety. If they are present, get professional help TODAY.

The following are all danger signs for your relationship. If several are present, your relationship is in real trouble:

• character assassination
• fantasizing often about being with someone else
• not having ready access to a list of your partner's great qualities
• doubts of faithfulness
• serious sexual incompatibility
• lack of mutual support in times of crisis
• a feeling of being stuck or obligated by the relationship

Question #2 offers hope that your relationship may be much sounder than it appears. Conflict in your relationship may be primarily a reflection of the stress in your individual lives.

Often, partners redirect frustration and anger about unrelated events toward each other. For example, your boss yelled at you, and you yell at your partner. This unconscious redirection is a behavior that can be overcome through conscious attention, and is not a reflection on the overall quality of your relationship. If you and your partner are loving and supportive toward each other in relatively stress-free situations, you likely have a basis for working through your other issues.

Read Jonathan's latest articles on relationship issues

Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? When to Rekindle the Romance and When to Walk Away - 10 Questions You Need to Ask

Trying to Get Your Ex Back? A Look at the 10 Best and Worst Ways to Rekindle the Romance