Stop Anger Before It Stops You - 7 Secrets
- jonathan lockwood huie
Being angry is as close as a human being can come to experiencing hell on earth.
- jonathan lockwood huie
Anger is something that each one of us has experienced - some of us only occasionally, some almost daily. Can we eliminate all anger? Probably not. We will always have expectations, and those expectations will often be unmet. Disappointment is the principle cause of anger. When we are disappointed, we look for someone to blame. Declaring someone to be at fault is the nature of anger. Anger is always directed at someone - possibly God or the non-specific they, but some animate entity.
You've told yourself a hundred times that you aren't going to get angry - really angry - ever again, but wham, you start to feel that telltale heat, locked shoulders, clenched jaw, shallow breathing. Someone has just done something really awful and you are angry at them. What now?
Here are my 7 Secrets to Stop Anger before It Stops You:
1. Recognize when you are angry: It may not immediately occur to you that you are angry. You know that you have been wronged, and you can see everyone around you take a step back, but especially if you are really angry, it may take a while to gain the clarity to acknowledge your anger. Anger clouds perception and thinking, so make a special effort to spot it early and put it into words, "I am angry."
2. Breathe deeply: Concentrate on taking slow deep breaths. Sometimes this is all it takes to break out of anger and gain clarity on the issue. At other times, breathing deeply is just a beginning, but it paves the way for the rest of the secrets.
3. Focus your anger: Get clear what you are angry about and who you are angry at. Talk to yourself, "I am angry at Joe because he ..." Don't let your anger expand onto innocent bystanders, especially those trying to help calm you down. Don't refocus your anger onto everything that Joe has ever done or failed to do.
4. Remember that you are in charge: Anger is an expression of frustration and helplessness. Remember that you always have options - you can design your own life. No one can steal your happiness - unless you let them.
5. Look for the silver lining: There is a silver lining to every disappointment. Your boss fired you and you are furious. Probably it was a blessing. Now you have the opportunity to get a better job that you really enjoy.
6. Consider forgiveness: Angry and happy don't mix. Flush out the angry, and the happy has a place to put down roots. Forgive everyone for everything in order to give anger and resentment a chance to fade. Forgive and you can become happy. Forgiving is not a gift to someone else - Forgiving is our gift to ourselves - a great gift - the gift of happiness.
7. Accept that Life is NOT "Supposed to be Fair": Know that there is no single way that life is "supposed" to be. Demanding that life meet our expectations is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence. Life is a game with no rules. Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions. To choose happiness, be open to receiving whatever life throws at you - with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.
14 comments:
Anger is more common when we have the wrong belief that we are in the right and everybody else with a different idea is our enemy...I have seen anger attacks totally out of control about a color difference...Of course, this was not the real reason, but continuing the exercise of using power and control over other human being.If this is the hidden motif: to feel in control, then the angry person will not, by his own will, act rationally. He will want to continue imposing his will by having a temper tantrum...rationality or not! We need to recommend new approaches to stop anger as a means of intimidation of the weaker party.
www.recoverfromanger.com
When I am tired, hurt, or loney it is VERY easy to feel anger and to "feed" that feeling. It is hard (but not impossible) to control ones' anger. When I am tired and drained (physically and emotionally) I can easily bite off someone's head for the slightest thing. I must remember that I am in control of my emotions although I don't always feel as though I have control. One of my favorite sayings: Whenever someone points a finger at another there are 3 fingers pointing back at you....." (try it, if you point a finger as if you are pretending your hand is a gun... you will see what i mean) pass it on... This saying is a POWERFUL reminder to me that I must look at myself first before pointing fingers at others around me....
After my anger is over, I often feel ashamed that I got angry. And the shame will last a day, or until I see that person again, who I was angry with. I don't like to get angry. I think I build up my own anger. Cause I will dwell on what is going on to make me angry, and I get angry, and sometimes pull someone else in with me. I don't sleep well when I have gotten angry. I pray not to get angry, and if I do, let it be a rightous anger.
Anger sometimes requires one to get alone, and think to defuse the anger. I literally took myself out of a situation, didn't answer my phone to the individual, didn't answer my door, all of this to give time and space to think from a quieter place. During this time I took baby steps in letting go of the anger, and feeling the joy of being in control of my emotions in a healthier way..I used this time to let go of the anger...choosing joy..
Anonymous...get alone: Great point, thank you.
This is a little different path to travel away from "anger": There used to be a saying for women who are angry with their husbands.
"WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, GO OUT AND BUY A HAT."
And you know what? It works!! Oh you don't have to buy a hat. But you can buy something for $2.00, such as a tiny candy piece, and it works, also. Just a thought. Seesee
P.s. Johnathan, I still like your ways better, though. :-)
Simple and yet enlightening post. I certainly like the fact that we are in charge. Anger is such a negative emotion that strained us of our energy. Either we are back in control of ourselves or everything can get out of hand. I have always remembered and tried to use the breathing to control myself when I am angry and it works quite well at time although I may not always be successful in using it. Practice makes better and one day I can be totally in charge of it and not the other way round.
When I get angry, I like to take a moment to think about why I'm angry, who I'm angry at, but *most* importantly, What do I want to do with this situation? WHAT DO I WANT TO SEE HAPPEN? And then I try to focus on getting to the outcome. It doesn't always work (ie. when I am *furious*), but it does help give some direction to my anger.
Thank you JLK...I have been angry for way too long. I have real reasons to feel this way, but I like the practical ways you propose to transform this feeling into something else: acceptance (a boundary, I just remembered), action, practice in being a compassionate, humble person. I REALLY needed this advice today. Just in time to change course!
i have resentment on some one hats already dead and need advice on how to let go cause im taking it out on people i love and one who i would do anything 4 and its hurting her and i very much plz i need some good advice i need to let this go now im desperate please help
Forgiveness is for yourself - so you can let go of the anger and hatred.
See http://www.mind4joy.com/2011/04/how-to-forgive-and-move-on.html
My son is so angry and I know that he needs to talk to someone. Iam so afraid for him
Life is so unfair........still i love it the way it is......... ;)................stay blessed everybody
Thank you, i realy love all your qoutes,its open our hearts and to learn and understand what life needs to be accept day by day.
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